Team Names

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of Fuddle River Schools met this week to review the proposed new names for the district's athletic teams and mascot. District Activities Director Tracy Falcott presented the proposed new names and reviewed the entire selection process for board members.

The current name, "The Fuddle River Ferrets" has come under considerable attack for several years for its perceived timidity. Three years ago the name was changed to "The Fuddle River Fighting Ferrets," but many were concerned about the violence the name implied. "The Fuddle River Fierce Ferrets" was briefly tried, but rejected for the same reason. "The Fuddle River Friendly Ferrets" was used for the next year, and last year the name was changed back to "The Fuddle River Ferrets."

District and community complaints about the name and mascot have continued. This year the name conflict was escalated even further by a group of parents who wanted to change the "Fuddle River" part of the name. The board decided that a community-wide committee must be selected to resolve the name and mascot issue once and for all. The committee was established and then broken down into several subcommittees. Each subcommittee was to report back to the entire committee and each subcommittee would recommend a new name and mascot to the board.

The Bird Subcommittee considered and rejected finches, flickers, robins, ravens, phoebes, brown creepers, and bobolinks. They unanimously recommended that the new team name and mascot be "The Fuddle River Tufted Titmice." This subcommittee was convinced that the ashy-gray feathers and the prominent head crest of the tufted titmouse would make for an impressive mascot costume.

The Local Small Mammal Subcommittee considered voles, mice, raccoons, rabbits, shrews, beavers, wood rats, squirrels, muskrats, porcupines, and ermines before they agreed that they wanted an animal known for its cunning and sneaky ways. They recommended "The Fuddle River Weasels."

The River Fish Subcommittee considered fish native to the Fuddle River. While there were many intriguing choices, such as bullheads, burbots, carp, catfish, goldeyes, mooneyes, quillbacks, shorthead redhorses, sheepsheads, and bigmouth buffalo, the committee was very pleased with their selection. They recommended "The Fuddle River Northern Hog Suckers." They were impressed by the northern hog sucker's large, fanlike pectoral fins and its blue-black snout.

The Periodic Table of Elements Subcommittee reported feeling overwhelmed with interesting possibilities, but they were able to finally narrow their choices. They seriously considered rhenium, rhodium, beryllium, rubidium, dysprosium, mendelevium, neodymium, neptunium, praseodymium, promethium, technetium, tellurium, unnilennium, unnilhexium, unniloctium, unnilseptium, and unununium before finally settling on "The Fuddle River Ytterbium." The committee liked Ytterbium because it is nicely malleable and because it has a healthy atomic weight of 173.04.

The Vegetable Subcommittee considered asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, eggplant, okra, spinach, and sweet potatoes, but finally settled on "The Fuddle River Mustard Greens." Mustard greens were popular because of their high levels of vitamins A and C and the fact that they are relatively low in calories.

The Fuddle River School Board will now review the recommendations before making its final decision. After hearing the recommendations, some board members expressed a new found sense of pride in the present team name and spoke at length of its historical and cultural value. The board voted unanimously to include the name "Fuddle River Ferrets" along with the new recommendations in its considerations.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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