Tardies

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The Fuddle River School Board held its regular meeting this week and discussed a number of issues.

The board heard from high school Principal Hugh Batson regarding his request for additional funding to reduce student tardies. Batson's plan involves the hiring of four valets to park student cars at the school. He argued that valet parking for students would certainly allow more students to get to their first class on time. Another proposed measure involves the hiring of over one hundred porters to deliver students' class materials. This would reduce the number of tardies caused by students who need to visit their lockers between classes. Funding was also requested for the installation of portable toilets in each classroom to reduce student tardies caused by visits to the restrooms. Batson's plan also calls for hiring ten hallway traffic monitors who would wear white gloves and whistles to direct traffic. The use of the traffic monitors would, according to Batson, avert back-ups in the hallways. Batson is also requesting a new sound system for the school so that they can play up-tempo music over the school's loudspeakers to enhance student movement to classes.

The board thanked Principal Batson for all the hard work that went into his proposals. However, board members expressed surprise at the cost of Batson's proposals and expressed regret that the district cannot afford such expenses at this time. Batson was directed to go back to developing more traditional, less expensive, and more coercive policies to reduce the number of student tardies. Batson stated that he would begin work on the new policies that evening while he served his detention for being late for the board meeting.

On another issue, the board proudly announced that the installation of the district's substitute request kiosks has been completed. The kiosks, which look much like ATM machines, will allow teachers to inform the district of their pending absences and needs for substitute teachers. The kiosks have been strategically placed all over the Fuddle River area in an effort to ensure access for all teachers. In the next few months the board will be considering teacher requests for kiosks in their homes.

District Director of Curriculum Helen Pasty reported that all K-12 curriculum has now been so clearly written that any idiot could teach the lessons. The board directed district Director of Personnel Merriam Bekel to make a greater effort in the future to hire idiots so that the curriculum writing could be evaluated.

The board continues to review auditions for the cable television infomercial that will promote the district's excess bond levy referendum. The volunteer production team has lined up a list of pseudo-celebrities to audition for the role of infomercial host. The impressive list includes a former class AA minor league outfielder and a house painter who once did some work for the former lieutenant governor.

Finally, the board announced that the new Teacher Tool Belts have arrived. Fuddle River teachers are no longer allowed to have their own classrooms, and there have been many complaints about the problems of moving from classroom to classroom without the proper supplies. The Teacher Tool Belts, which are actually modified carpenter's belts, allow teachers to carry staplers, tape, pens and pencils, markers, paperclips, gradebooks, textbooks, facial tissues, pass forms, attendance sheets, paperwork, and more. Teachers are to pick up their free belts at the city desk at Cronstrom Supply, where they will also receive a complimentary set of suspenders and a pamphlet about proper treatment for back pain.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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