Sponsorships

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district’s projected $1 million budget shortfall for next year. Board member Fred Furnley presented his efforts to reduce the shortfall.

“We have been cutting for years,” Furnley shared. “We cut and we cut. There’s nothing left to cut. We cannot raise class sizes again. We just cannot do that. Class sizes are already too high and our support staffing throughout the district is already dangerously low. So let’s not think about cuts again. Let us, instead, think about doing something to raise revenues.

“Advertising and sponsorships have brought in much needed funds in the past,” Furnley continued. “We have allowed advertising all over our outdoor stadium and all over our gymnasiums and auditoriums, and we have sold naming rights to all of those too. We have allowed advertising posters to be placed in our school hallways and in our school classrooms. We have sold print advertisements in our school newspaper, on our school web site, in our regular school publications, in the staff bulletin, and even on worksheets and tests. We have sold television commercials for our televised morning announcements and radio commercials for announcements made during the day. We have sold sponsorships for programs and awards, and we’ve even sold advertising spaces on our school buses.

“Now, some would say that we’ve used up every advertising option available to us,” Furnley argued. “And just last week I would have been one of those people. But then it occurred to me – what do advertisers want and what would they be willing to pay top dollar for? Remember that this economic downturn is hurting them too. What they want is ‘reach’ and ‘impressions.’ They want their name to be spread both broadly and regularly in front of our students. Advertising in the school paper doesn’t do that – not everyone reads it. Commercials on the morning announcement – just one time a day – don’t do it either. So, to what are all of our students exposed every day in our schools – and many, many times each and every day?

“Consequences!” Furnley shouted. “Consequences for bad behavior at school. Every bad-behaving student is exposed to them, but every other student at school has to hear about them too. Selling advertising and sponsorships for consequences would be a gold mine for this school district! Imagine it! Well, you don’t have to imagine it. I’ve already sold all the sponsorships and advertisements. I sold sponsorships for regular consequences and some other stuff, and I sold sponsorships and print ads for consequences that have a special form or some sort of paperwork associated with them.

“So now,” Furnley concluded, “all we have to do is approve the program and then teach everyone in the district the new names.”

The board then reviewed Furnley’s proposed list of sponsorships:

- The Fleetmann Furniture Seating Change

- The Horizon Cellular Phone Call Home

- The Tony’s Pizza Please Be Quiet Reminder

- The Franklin Foods Failure Notice

- The Downtown Dollar Store Don’t Even Think About It

- The Peterson Orthodontics Serious Teacher Look

- The Butterbun Bakery Final Warning

- The Sampson’s Sporting Goods Time Out

- The Starluck Coffee Referral to Office

- The Special Memories Scrapbooker Written Apology Assignment

- The River City Cineplex Recess Detention

- The Lembrandt Lumber Lunch Detention

- The Buddy’s Burger Barn After-School Detention

- The Uptown Optometry Out-of School Suspension

- The Sammy’s Sub Sandwiches In-School Suspension

- The Pierson Paints and Sundries Saturday School

After a brief Randall Tire and Auto Discussion, the board held a Pace Hardware Vote and unanimously approved the new sponsorships.

And that’s it this week from the Better Buy Electronics Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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