Summer Vacation

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John

Sponsorships

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district’s projected $1 million budget shortfall for next year. Board member Fred Furnley presented his efforts to reduce the shortfall.

“We have been cutting for years,” Furnley shared. “We cut and we cut. There’s nothing left to cut. We cannot raise class sizes again. We just cannot do that. Class sizes are already too high and our support staffing throughout the district is already dangerously low. So let’s not think about cuts again. Let us, instead, think about doing something to raise revenues.

“Advertising and sponsorships have brought in much needed funds in the past,” Furnley continued. “We have allowed advertising all over our outdoor stadium and all over our gymnasiums and auditoriums, and we have sold naming rights to all of those too. We have allowed advertising posters to be placed in our school hallways and in our school classrooms. We have sold print advertisements in our school newspaper, on our school web site, in our regular school publications, in the staff bulletin, and even on worksheets and tests. We have sold television commercials for our televised morning announcements and radio commercials for announcements made during the day. We have sold sponsorships for programs and awards, and we’ve even sold advertising spaces on our school buses.

“Now, some would say that we’ve used up every advertising option available to us,” Furnley argued. “And just last week I would have been one of those people. But then it occurred to me – what do advertisers want and what would they be willing to pay top dollar for? Remember that this economic downturn is hurting them too. What they want is ‘reach’ and ‘impressions.’ They want their name to be spread both broadly and regularly in front of our students. Advertising in the school paper doesn’t do that – not everyone reads it. Commercials on the morning announcement – just one time a day – don’t do it either. So, to what are all of our students exposed every day in our schools – and many, many times each and every day?

“Consequences!” Furnley shouted. “Consequences for bad behavior at school. Every bad-behaving student is exposed to them, but every other student at school has to hear about them too. Selling advertising and sponsorships for consequences would be a gold mine for this school district! Imagine it! Well, you don’t have to imagine it. I’ve already sold all the sponsorships and advertisements. I sold sponsorships for regular consequences and some other stuff, and I sold sponsorships and print ads for consequences that have a special form or some sort of paperwork associated with them.

“So now,” Furnley concluded, “all we have to do is approve the program and then teach everyone in the district the new names.”

The board then reviewed Furnley’s proposed list of sponsorships:

- The Fleetmann Furniture Seating Change

- The Horizon Cellular Phone Call Home

- The Tony’s Pizza Please Be Quiet Reminder

- The Franklin Foods Failure Notice

- The Downtown Dollar Store Don’t Even Think About It

- The Peterson Orthodontics Serious Teacher Look

- The Butterbun Bakery Final Warning

- The Sampson’s Sporting Goods Time Out

- The Starluck Coffee Referral to Office

- The Special Memories Scrapbooker Written Apology Assignment

- The River City Cineplex Recess Detention

- The Lembrandt Lumber Lunch Detention

- The Buddy’s Burger Barn After-School Detention

- The Uptown Optometry Out-of School Suspension

- The Sammy’s Sub Sandwiches In-School Suspension

- The Pierson Paints and Sundries Saturday School

After a brief Randall Tire and Auto Discussion, the board held a Pace Hardware Vote and unanimously approved the new sponsorships.

And that’s it this week from the Better Buy Electronics Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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Incentives

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review the new incentive programs in the district. Students all over Fuddle River are now being rewarded for doing things they should be doing - including attending school, completing homework, earning good grades, and behaving appropriately.

Students are paid 50 cents per day for attendance, and parents are paid $3.00 if their children attend school the entire day. Unfortunately, it seems that some families are abusing the system by bringing in children from other districts and subcontracting their own children's attendance. Students are also being rewarded for 90% or better attendance at the end of each quarter. The reward for such excellent attendance is a day free from school. It appears to be a wonderful motivator. However, some have pointed out that the consequence for bad behavior - a one day suspension - is also a day free from school. Unfortunately, the one-day suspension consequence also appears to be a wonderful motivator. Another incentive program focuses on homework completion. Students are now rewarded with an hour of television viewing at school for completing the previous day's homework assignment. The loss of one hour of instruction and learning each day has caused some concern, but the dedicated teachers of Fuddle River have been working hundreds and hundreds of hours at home to overcome these problems.

Improving students' grades is also the goal an incentive program. Students who make the honor roll are rewarded with "honor cards" that give them discounts with fast food merchants all throughout the Fuddle River area. Students have been very enthusiastic about this program and have exerted considerable pressure on teachers for higher grades. Some have expressed concern that such pressure has resulted in grade inflation. Now, with 98% of Fuddle River's students on the honor roll, several merchants have stopped honoring the cards and many have had to dramatically increase their prices. Area residents have complained that some merchants have even begun to charge inflated "dishonor" prices to any customer who is not on an honor roll.

To promote positive student behavior, district personnel have been rewarding students with certificates that can be exchanged for snacks in the schools' cafeterias. Administrators, teachers, and staff are to catch students behaving appropriately and reward them with "FRS Behavior Bucks." So far, few of the "Behavior Bucks" have been awarded. It seems that students don't know that they are supposed to get caught being good. An effort will be made in the coming weeks to familiarize district students with the program.

Eliminating cheating is also the goal of a new incentive program. The district has worked out an agreement with area merchants to reward non-cheating students with a $50.00 gift certificate. Students all throughout the district are getting the message that "cheating is not cool - it's wrong!" However, some have expressed concern that they are also getting the message that bribery is okay.

Board members expressed their approval of the new programs. As board member Shirley Hanover stated, "It's great that we can get kids to behave without all the time and effort involved in helping them develop their own standards of decent and intelligent behavior." Board members did express some concern with minor problems in the programs and the board voted to review all of the new incentive programs during their next work session. Board members attending the work session will be rewarded with a free prime rib dinner from Manny's Restaurant and Lounge and a free round of golf at Fuddle River Greens.

And that's if this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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Team Names

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of Fuddle River Schools met this week to review the proposed new names for the district's athletic teams and mascot. District Activities Director Tracy Falcott presented the proposed new names and reviewed the entire selection process for board members.

The current name, "The Fuddle River Ferrets" has come under considerable attack for several years for its perceived timidity. Three years ago the name was changed to "The Fuddle River Fighting Ferrets," but many were concerned about the violence the name implied. "The Fuddle River Fierce Ferrets" was briefly tried, but rejected for the same reason. "The Fuddle River Friendly Ferrets" was used for the next year, and last year the name was changed back to "The Fuddle River Ferrets."

District and community complaints about the name and mascot have continued. This year the name conflict was escalated even further by a group of parents who wanted to change the "Fuddle River" part of the name. The board decided that a community-wide committee must be selected to resolve the name and mascot issue once and for all. The committee was established and then broken down into several subcommittees. Each subcommittee was to report back to the entire committee and each subcommittee would recommend a new name and mascot to the board.

The Bird Subcommittee considered and rejected finches, flickers, robins, ravens, phoebes, brown creepers, and bobolinks. They unanimously recommended that the new team name and mascot be "The Fuddle River Tufted Titmice." This subcommittee was convinced that the ashy-gray feathers and the prominent head crest of the tufted titmouse would make for an impressive mascot costume.

The Local Small Mammal Subcommittee considered voles, mice, raccoons, rabbits, shrews, beavers, wood rats, squirrels, muskrats, porcupines, and ermines before they agreed that they wanted an animal known for its cunning and sneaky ways. They recommended "The Fuddle River Weasels."

The River Fish Subcommittee considered fish native to the Fuddle River. While there were many intriguing choices, such as bullheads, burbots, carp, catfish, goldeyes, mooneyes, quillbacks, shorthead redhorses, sheepsheads, and bigmouth buffalo, the committee was very pleased with their selection. They recommended "The Fuddle River Northern Hog Suckers." They were impressed by the northern hog sucker's large, fanlike pectoral fins and its blue-black snout.

The Periodic Table of Elements Subcommittee reported feeling overwhelmed with interesting possibilities, but they were able to finally narrow their choices. They seriously considered rhenium, rhodium, beryllium, rubidium, dysprosium, mendelevium, neodymium, neptunium, praseodymium, promethium, technetium, tellurium, unnilennium, unnilhexium, unniloctium, unnilseptium, and unununium before finally settling on "The Fuddle River Ytterbium." The committee liked Ytterbium because it is nicely malleable and because it has a healthy atomic weight of 173.04.

The Vegetable Subcommittee considered asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, eggplant, okra, spinach, and sweet potatoes, but finally settled on "The Fuddle River Mustard Greens." Mustard greens were popular because of their high levels of vitamins A and C and the fact that they are relatively low in calories.

The Fuddle River School Board will now review the recommendations before making its final decision. After hearing the recommendations, some board members expressed a new found sense of pride in the present team name and spoke at length of its historical and cultural value. The board voted unanimously to include the name "Fuddle River Ferrets" along with the new recommendations in its considerations.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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Tardies

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The Fuddle River School Board held its regular meeting this week and discussed a number of issues.

The board heard from high school Principal Hugh Batson regarding his request for additional funding to reduce student tardies. Batson's plan involves the hiring of four valets to park student cars at the school. He argued that valet parking for students would certainly allow more students to get to their first class on time. Another proposed measure involves the hiring of over one hundred porters to deliver students' class materials. This would reduce the number of tardies caused by students who need to visit their lockers between classes. Funding was also requested for the installation of portable toilets in each classroom to reduce student tardies caused by visits to the restrooms. Batson's plan also calls for hiring ten hallway traffic monitors who would wear white gloves and whistles to direct traffic. The use of the traffic monitors would, according to Batson, avert back-ups in the hallways. Batson is also requesting a new sound system for the school so that they can play up-tempo music over the school's loudspeakers to enhance student movement to classes.

The board thanked Principal Batson for all the hard work that went into his proposals. However, board members expressed surprise at the cost of Batson's proposals and expressed regret that the district cannot afford such expenses at this time. Batson was directed to go back to developing more traditional, less expensive, and more coercive policies to reduce the number of student tardies. Batson stated that he would begin work on the new policies that evening while he served his detention for being late for the board meeting.

On another issue, the board proudly announced that the installation of the district's substitute request kiosks has been completed. The kiosks, which look much like ATM machines, will allow teachers to inform the district of their pending absences and needs for substitute teachers. The kiosks have been strategically placed all over the Fuddle River area in an effort to ensure access for all teachers. In the next few months the board will be considering teacher requests for kiosks in their homes.

District Director of Curriculum Helen Pasty reported that all K-12 curriculum has now been so clearly written that any idiot could teach the lessons. The board directed district Director of Personnel Merriam Bekel to make a greater effort in the future to hire idiots so that the curriculum writing could be evaluated.

The board continues to review auditions for the cable television infomercial that will promote the district's excess bond levy referendum. The volunteer production team has lined up a list of pseudo-celebrities to audition for the role of infomercial host. The impressive list includes a former class AA minor league outfielder and a house painter who once did some work for the former lieutenant governor.

Finally, the board announced that the new Teacher Tool Belts have arrived. Fuddle River teachers are no longer allowed to have their own classrooms, and there have been many complaints about the problems of moving from classroom to classroom without the proper supplies. The Teacher Tool Belts, which are actually modified carpenter's belts, allow teachers to carry staplers, tape, pens and pencils, markers, paperclips, gradebooks, textbooks, facial tissues, pass forms, attendance sheets, paperwork, and more. Teachers are to pick up their free belts at the city desk at Cronstrom Supply, where they will also receive a complimentary set of suspenders and a pamphlet about proper treatment for back pain.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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School-to-Work

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board met to review two ongoing programs in the district. The new "School-to-Work" program was presented by program coordinator and classroom teacher Keith Gilbert. Gilbert outlined the changes he's made in his classroom to prepare students for the real world of work.

Gilbert has all of the students sit in cubicles. The students are put into teams with the peers with whom they are least likely to accomplish real work. The least competent students are the team leaders. If a team ever does look like it will accomplish something, the teacher quickly convenes a long meeting to sidetrack them. Every day or so, a few students are "downsized," and their work is taken over by independent contractors from the study hall. Gilbert explained that disruptive new features are being added to the program on a daily basis. The board praised Gilbert's efforts to prepare students for work in the 21st century.

Principal Tom Tolfson reported on the new "Really Drug-Free Schools" program being initiated at the elementary school. He reported that many teachers are having a hard time following the new policy banning caffeine on the school campus.

A security officer disguised as a substitute teacher reported being able to make several "scores" of instant coffee crystals and caffeinated sodas from the teachers. One teacher was reported to the office by students who claimed she was teaching with a tea bag string hanging out of the corner of her mouth. Another teacher was suspended after her "One Pounder" bag of M&M's ripped and fell out of her purse, causing a minor riot in the main hallway. Parents visiting the building have complained about the examples set by the groups of teachers seen huddled together across the street from school, eating chocolates and drinking coffee.

Principal Tolfson reported that the school's "Really Drug-Free Schools" committee is working on ideas to help caffeine-dependent faculty and to improve enforcement policies. However, he added, the committee has had a difficult time accomplishing anything in meetings without the customary generous supply of strong coffee and chocolate donuts.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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The Mission Statement

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board held a meeting involving all stakeholders to begin the process of developing the district mission statement. Fuddle River Schools has never had a mission statement, and as board member Henry Gullickson stated, "It's a wonder we ever got anything done."

This first meeting was planned as a public brainstorming session. As Gullickson explained, all stakeholders were to provide ideas for a mission statement and eventually those ideas could be synthesized into the new district mission statement. Brainstorming ideas were offered by administrators, teachers, cooks, custodians, paraprofessionals, students, parents, and business and community leaders. In the spirit of brainstorming, no ideas were criticized. The ideas from the brainstorming are listed below.

Fuddle River Schools Exist to:
o keep young people off the streets during regular business hours.
o cover all of the stuff in the books.
o ensure that all students learn, even if we have to force them.
o keep young people from hurting each other and from hurting the older people.
o train young people to eat their vegetables and clean up after themselves.
o prepare young people for the drudgery of real work in the real world.
o prepare young people to deal with the messes made by the older people.
o prepare young people to consume material goods and to balance the spending limits on several credit cards at the same time.
o nurture passive citizens for an apathetic electorate.
o help young people feel good about themselves, even if it requires some self-deception.

At the end of the meeting, Gullickson stated, "Now the important work can go forward and the board can craft a mission statement that will at least equally dissatisfy all of the stakeholders who participated here tonight." The Fuddle River board will meet on Tuesday evening to continue work on the mission statement. The board invites any other stakeholders interested in sharing ideas for the mission statement to please just keep them to yourselves.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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The Referendum

Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss plans for the upcoming excess school levy referendum. The excess levy funds would pay for hiring an additional crossing guard at the elementary school and would provide additional funding for muffins and bagels on workshop days. District financial advisors estimate the levy would add 53 cents to the annual property tax on a $100,000 home. A more modest excess levy request failed last year.

Board member Vernice Vicklestone reported on the district-wide phone poll conducted to determine whether voters would support a new excess levy referendum. The majority of voters supported the idea of adding a crossing guard, but many thought that district money would be better spent on donuts than on muffins and bagels. Results of the phone poll were hard to interpret due to a misprint in the script that had pollsters asking if respondents would support the "excessive school levy."

The most interesting results of the poll were that 88% of those surveyed were unsure what it is that the Fuddle River School District does. Even when poll respondents were given hints, only 16% were willing to guess that it had something to do with schools. Vicklestone argued, "We really should consider a campaign to educate the voters about what it is we do before we request more money for doing it." Board member Fred Furnley expressed concern that increased public knowledge of the school district's function could result in the public actually holding the district accountable for results. The board then decided that financing a public education campaign would be a poor use of district education funds. The board did agree to consider the muffins and bagels versus donuts question. The board will continue its consideration the excess levy referendum at its next meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Copyright cc 2011 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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